Swine Flu

As many of you may be, I am pretty much terrified of getting the dreaded "Swine Flu". Let me relate to you a short story illustrating my fear...

A few months ago, when everyone was freaking out about the Swine Flu in Mexico, my 11-year-old sister, Sarina got sick. Of course, being the dramatic person I am, immediatly diagnosed her with Swine Flu, and got to work. I first got on my beloved computer, and quickly made dozens of signs and posters and notices to hang all around my house, inside and out. If anyone came to my front door they would have seen "BEWARE OF SWINE FLU" written with chalk all up the walk way and on the porch leading up to my front door. On the door they would see a poster with the most ridiculous picture of my sister I could find and the words "BEWARE - THIS HOUSE IS CONTAMINATED WITH THE SWINE FLU. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. FROM: YOUR FRIENDLY HOUSEHOLD DOCTOR". They would then come inside and see two display tables at my door. First a bar stool table with a bottle of hand sanitizer, Lysol, and Klorox wipes, along with a sign reminding them about the dreaded Swine Flu. Next was a donation jar for the medical bills for my poor sister. If they continued walking through my house they would find signs next to every bathroom sink reading: WASH YOU HANDS, OR THE SWINE FLU WILL DOMINATE YOU, or something like that. Also, on every door of every room there were 2 signs. 1 that said: BE REASSURED; THIS ROOM HAS BEEN DISINFECTED WITH LYSOL. The 2nd said: BEWARE. THE SWINE FLU VICTIM MAY HAVE ENTERED THIS ROOM. TOUCH NOTHING AND WASH YOUR HANDS. On my sister's bedroom door was a huge poster reading: BEWARE. SWINE FLU VICTIM'S LEIR. DO NOT COME WITHIN 6 FEET OF THIS ROOM. IF YOU CAN READ THIS SIGN YOU ARE TOO CLOSE! One of my favorites was the random signs on the couch, at a certain spot on the table, at the computor desk, reading: BEWARE. DO NOT TOUCH THIS AREA; IT HAS BEEN INHABITED BY THE SWINE FLU VICTIM, AND IS WAITING TO BE DISINFECTED. These signs could be found in the most random places, and it really cracked me up. I would follow my poor sister everywhere with Lysol, spraying everywhere she walked, and everywhere she touched. I swear, we must have gone through at least 3 bottles of Lysol during that time period.

Then came dinner. I was left at home to babysit my little brother and my sick sister. Ew. I had to feed them dinner, and did I want to get Swine Flu? No. No way. I got me and my brother face masks from downstairs, gloves, and goggles. It was a great sight. At dinner my brother and I were safely eating at the table, while my poor sister was isolated at a mini table across the room. Her fork, bowl and cup were all disposable and wrapped in napkins. She had a bell to ring if she wanted anything, and I wouldn't let her leave until I had time to disinfect everything. I made her stay in her room the rest of the night with a whistle for room service calls, and I wouldn't let her have dessert. Swine Flu victims can't eat anything cold, or anything chocolate, I decided.

Now, you may think I am mean, and an overreacter, but guess what? I didn't get the Swine Flu. No siree. I made sure everything was nice and clean, and took the proper precautions to keeping everyone away from the victim. I made hand washing charts, and if someone didn't wash their hands as many times as the chart said, I made them hug my sick sister. Now that the Swine Flu is coming back, guess what I have to do? Make all new signs and post them in my Dad's office! Ya, my Dad has Swine Flu - nasty, huh? And guess what else? Right now my little neighbor is over here, holding hands with my brother and sister and sharing lip gloss! SICK! I kicked him out! I don't care if he thinks I'm mean; first of all he's 3, second he looks like a swine, and third I DON'T WANT TO GET SWINE FLU! Tonight I have my signs all ready, and I'm prepared to visit my Dad's office with my Mom.

If you learn anything from this blog, remember that I WILL NEVER GET THE SWINE FLU. NEVER! NEVER!!!!!